So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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