i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
