the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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