he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
