I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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