She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
