Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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