and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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