my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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