Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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