you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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