Swine flu. Run for my life!
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
