Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
