I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
