textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
