I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
