I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
