Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
A bitchslap is in order.
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