u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
