He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
