I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I would ride that face into the sunset
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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