I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
