Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
