I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
