i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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