I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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