i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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