Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
