do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
