please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
