I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
