Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
