Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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