theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
