tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
