I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
