I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
either way he was missing a nipple.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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