you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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