i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Randomize
