Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
