god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
