There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
