Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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