I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
