My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
