Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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