we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
