I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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