i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
