Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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