I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
