i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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